


Being Bernard

by Malcontent_Ash



Category: Megamind (2010)
Genre: M/M, Other, Romantic Kidnapping
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-20
Updated: 2012-07-20
Packaged: 2017-11-10 08:26:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/464242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malcontent_Ash/pseuds/Malcontent_Ash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bernard's life had never been anything special, that is, until he met his own personal hero, Megamind.</p>
<p>COPIED FROM MY FF ACCOUNT</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

     My name is Bernard.  No one ever remembers my last name, so I won’t even bother.  I’m Bernard.  I was born to a normal family in a normal suburban neighborhood, and everything was always so normal, except for me.  My mother lived at home, cooking and raising my younger sister and me.  She could bake the most phenomenal things, but what was more phenomenal about her, was how painfully stereotypical she was.  I swear, if you can imagine a stay at home mother, you already know everything you’d ever need to know about her.  My father was a lot of the same… when I saw him, that is.  He worked hard to keep us in house and home and did only the things that one would expect a typical father to do.  I went to school every morning and my mother would make me the most phenomenal lunch and my father would have just left for work and not a single thing ever changed.  School was as bland as it always is and I excelled in academics. 

     My peers never ceased to amaze me academically in their absolute lack of interest and ability.  Where I could spend hours researching quantum physics, they would rather spend our breaks pummeling me with dodge balls.  It was all so painfully cliché, and if I may repeat myself, _normal._

     That’s why as soon as I graduated, I moved to Metro City.  Metro City was big and beautiful and from one day to the next, nothing stayed the same.  Every day was new and challenging and nowhere near the dreaded, hideously awful, normal.  I was content there, working regularly and spending nights studying late in my apartment by the sounds of the bustling of life.  I was content, but something was missing.  Sure, I had gotten away from my home and my peers, but I still hadn’t really felt that something that keeps people going.  People always talk about their passions, but I was never a passionate person.  I was content at best, and that was that.  That is, until _he_ made his grand entrance. 

     It started (relatively) small.  I had just left work and was walking back to my apartment when I saw a newspaper stand with an image of some kind of robot and some blue thing.  I was intrigued and walked closer to discover that there was in fact a robot on the cover and the suspicious blue thing was the most incredible creature I had ever seen.  He looked almost human, but also so much more, glowing a bright unapologetic blue.  The headline read, A “VILLAIN” ARRIVES IN METRO CITY.  His picture smiled up at me, seemingly proud of the headline above his tiny blue face.  I handed the vendor a twenty for the paper, uninterested in the change and walked down the street and in to a new chapter of my life.

     He was a challenge to everything that ever was and ever will be “normal” and I adored him for it.





	2. Chapter 2

                The days which are to change our life always start in the most innocuous ways.  Mine started at 6 AM with a cup of coffee and a newspaper.  But, I guess if you start every day with the exact same routine, it would only make sense that the significant ones would start that way as well…  Regardless, it was in my usual pattern that I sipped my coffee, read my newspaper, and headed to work that morning. 

                “Bernard, I’m going to need you to fix the projector in the new wing.  It stopped working this morning and I expect it to be up and running again by the time the first tours run through here.”

                “Yeah, I’ll do what I can…” 

                “Don’t ‘do what you can,’ do your job!”

                “Yes, ma’am.”  This is my job.  About a week before the Metro City Metroman Museum opened, I saw an ad in the newspaper saying that they needed an Audio/Visual Expert to run maintenance and to help with the installation of new tech.  Long story short, I got the job, and with it a sentence to deal with the delightful Madam Johnnson.  I’m a trained professional when it comes to systems and tech management.  I could be working at Excels Corp. getting paid through the nose and working with the latest business systems, like an idiot, I work here. 

                You’re probably figuring, ‘it can’t be so bad…’ or something along the lines of that, but trust me, it is.  Right now I have to figure out how to fix a twelve-year old projector system.  What’s wrong, you might ask?  Let’s just say gum doesn’t exactly run as smoothly as Mrs. Johnnson’s slides at the monthly staff meeting.  Some little angel (probably about the same age as the projector) must have decided that the machine deserved a tasty treat for all of its work.  The sad thing is, as little as I’m getting paid, my weekly paycheck is probably worth more than this hunk of junk, but here I am at seven in the morning trying to fix it. 

                The rest of the day went well enough.  I got most of the gum out of the gears with a little Goo-B-Gone and a lot of work, and someone even left doughnuts in the break room, saving me money on lunch which was much needed for rent.  It was a pretty uneventful day until my shift ended and I ran into Roxanne Richie.  Yes, Roxanne Richie from the news.  Yes, uber-babe Roxanne Richie.  The little known fact is that Roxanne Richie and I actually attended some classes together at Metro U.  We headed toward different majors of course, but during our freshman year we were booked in two of the same general ed courses. 

                I noticed her as I pushed open the large glass door of the museum.  I wasn’t going to say anything but she looked at me so I assumed she recognized me.  I waved.  She gave me a confused look as though I meant to wave to someone else. 

                “Hey, Roxanne,” I greeted her. 

                “Hello, uhmm… sir.”

                “It’s Bernard,” she clearly thought I was some creepy fan of hers. 

                “Bernard…”

                “Yeah, we attended classes together at Metro U.”  I’m not really sure why I am bothering until I see her pretty eyes studying my face.  She’s beautiful.  God is she ever beautiful.  She’s the smart kind of quirky-sweet beautiful who would never have the time of day for a guy like me.   It’s all for the best I suppose.  From what I’ve heard, she’s pretty caught up with Metroman anyhow. 

                “Oh, yeah!  Bernard.  I remember now,” She smiled politely in a way which made me feel that she probably did not. 

                “Yeah, well—“ before I could make my graceful exit, a shiny black car appeared behind her.  Literally, appeared.  My mind was numb until I saw a gloved hand reach out the window.  The hand caught her by the back of the dress.  My body, wasting no time to confer with my mind, sprang into action.  I pushed _the_ Roxanne Richie out of the hand and onto the sidewalk.  Her eyes grew wide as she watched another hand reach out with a cloth and cover my nose and mouth.  I couldn’t figure out what was happening as I faded.  I felt the gloved hands pull me gently into the car.

                “Miss Richie?  Miss Richie?  Oh my freaking—“  I passed out. 


	3. Chapter 3

                “So, what’s the plan?  I think we should go with something a little more _James Bond_.  Remember that movie?  That was sooo cool.  There was that one scene--” A young voice chattered away happily. 

                “Minion, we need to talk…”  A nervous male voice addressed the younger sounding one. 

                “Is this about the ‘laundry fiasco’?  ‘Cuz I’m over it if you are.”

                “No, this isn’t about the laundry.  We’ve got a problem.”

                “The TV?”

                “No, a real problem.”

                “The dishwa—“

                “This!”  The larger man pulled something off of my head and I felt a cool breeze meet my face.  I began to slowly come to my senses, vaguely recognizing the voices in front of me.  I blinked to focus my eyes against a bright light. 

                “Wha—?” I asked, completely dazed.

                “WHAT IS THAT!?”  A spindly blue man rolled his eyes.

                “A huuman, Minion.  We settled this like, ten years ago.  Really…”

                “That’s not Roxanne!”

                “No, I really don’t think it is.  One second I was grabbing Miss Richie and the next, poof!  I’ve got _this guy_ in the back of my car.”

                “You should’ve put him back!”

                “Put him back?  I guess that could have made sense.  I panicked!  He was unconscious and everyone was looking at me…”

                “What are we going to do?”  My eyebrows knitted together in concentration.  I knew these voices.  They sounded so familiar… If only I could see…

                “AAAHHH!!!”  I screamed.

                “AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”  They screamed louder.  I watched as a stylish black lamp shattered on the floor, knocked over by a panicking robot.  Small, floating robots floated into the corners of the room, muttering to themselves curiously.  The room was dark for the most part except for the pockets of light created by the robotics; it seemed as though I was in an abandoned factory.  I noted the dangerous-looking machinery around me, and a not-so-dangerous looking blue man in the corner.

                “M-Megamind!”  I whispered excitedly, trying to get a better look.  I tried to stand only to find myself unable to move.  I wiggled my wrists experimentally. 

                “What the…?”  I seemed to be tied to a chair.  My head throbbed painfully as I tried to piece all of this together.  I have got to be sleeping.  My head pounded angrily.  _That pain seemed waaay too real.  Drugs?_ The robotic fish creature approaching me seemed to support that theory. 

                “H-Hello good sir, may I interest you in a time-share?”  _What?_ I heard my own confusion mirrored by the crouching alien.  The fish looked at me expectantly. 

                “. . .what?” 

                “Minion!  What are you doing?”  The man whispered furiously.

                “I don’t know!  I saw it in a commercial.  I thought it might—“

                “I’m not asleep am I?”  Minion looked at me curiously.

                “No…”

                “Drugs?”  I was quickly running out of theories.

                “No.”  The blue alien man in the corner slowly stood, studying me carefully.

                “Well,” he interrupted, “there was the chloroform.”

                “Heh…heh… yeah, that.”  Minion laughed awkwardly.  “Megamind!”  He turned and whispered.  “What do we do?”

                “I’m not sure, I’m working on it!”  He turned back to me.  “How did you get in my car?”  He asked, accusingly.

                “I… uhh…” I thought about the car I saw.  There was the hand which grabbed Roxanne, and then—“YOU!  You brought me here!”

                “Me?”  The large blue face twisted into an extreme act of shock and curiosity.

                “Sir, I don’t think that’s going to work…”  We stared at each other for a very awkward moment.

                “You’re really him, aren’t you?  You’re Megamind.”  Megamind smiled appreciatively. 

                “Yes, it is I, the villainous fiend!  Are you afraid?”  His smile seemed almost sinister, but the light playing off his emerald green eyes told a different story.  He was excited now.  The fear he had felt early was long forgotten.  He waited for my reply with the patience of a child on Christmas morning. 

                “No.  Not really,” his face fell into a spoiled pout.  Minion reflected Megamind’s earlier act of shock and confusion, to much the same effect. 

                “How can _this_ not be terrifying!?”  His hands gestured to his tight leather outfit.  I followed their movement, taking in the startlingly lean form.  Megamind’s face and gestures could have easily passed as human but his blue skin and large head told otherwise.  Startlingly green eyes watched me with an almost manic curiosity and I felt myself drawn in by his excitement. 

                “Megamind…”  Just a couple of hours ago I was getting off work and preparing for another night of watching TV over Ramen Noodles.  With the reminder of food my stomach grumbled loudly.  I couldn’t help but blush.  Here I was meeting Megamind and all my body could think of was food.  I cleared my throat in discomfort.

                “He’s hungry...  I’ll go fix him something,” Minion wandered off through a door to procure me a meal despite Megamind’s protests. 

                “He’s not afraid of me.  I go through all this trouble to capture Miss Richie and subject her to my eeevil plans, and here we are feeding,” he looked at me unenthusiastically, “ _some guy!”_

                “Hey, Megamind.”  He looked at me, clearly exasperated.  “I’m sorry I’m not afraid of you.”

                “Yeah… well… whatever.”  He turned around, his ears blushing a bright fuchsia.


	4. Chapter 4

                Minion, despite all of the cooking capability he had (hiding somewhere under mountains of awful cheesewiz or something of the like) managed to set fire to the bread he had intended to toast in the microwave.  From what I could gather by Megamind’s reaction to the blaring fire detectors, this was a common occurrence.  Megamind sulked in the corner for a moment before the robotic fish exited the kitchen sheepishly, followed by an ominous cloud of smoke.  Emerald green eyes rolled in their large sockets.

                “I don’t know why you keep trying to cook like the huumans.  We are mighty villains, minion!  With the mere dial of a phone we can have food brought to us!”  Megamind spun around excitedly, grabbing a pile of take-out menus from the top of a makeshift table.  

                “Ahh, but sir, I keep trying to tell you.  I think they want us to pay for it…” 

                “Mushroom it is!”  Megamind gloated as he called.  With the decision made, Minion turned his attention to me. 

                “Uh, hi.  We haven’t really been introduced.  I’m Minion.”  His large robotic feet shifted anxiously. 

                “Bernard.” 

                “I-uh… I’m real sorry about the whole kidnapping business.  We’re usually really good about kidnapping Miss Richie.”  I couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt at that.  Everyone in Metro City knew about the frequent kidnappings of Roxanne, but when I imagined Roxanne waiting to be rescued from an evening like this?  I mean, sure, there was the occasional death-trap mixed in, but in all of the records of Megamind’s attacks on the city, the only person who had really sustained injuries was Megamind himself.  I could be at home right now considering if I wanted another Cup Ramen before I went to bed alone for the umpteenth time.  Roxanne Richie may have better things to do, but I sure as hell don’t. 

                And that’s the thing.  Roxanne Richie is the kind of person who knows what she wants and knows where she’s headed, but me?  I think I’m just looking for something to change.

                “I really don’t mind.  In fact, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Minion.”  At this the fish blushed and looked toward Megamind for security.  It was clear that neither Minion nor Megamind were used to talking with anyone besides Roxanne, Metroman, and themselves.  Bony blue shoulders merely shrugged awkwardly in response before he turned back and excitedly watched the door for his “pizza slave”.  I’d like to say that the moment was something close to awkward, but I suppose at this point, it’s all relative.  I cleared my throat tentatively. 

                “So… Minion?  That’s quite a name…”  Really the ropes behind my back were starting to chafe and I was ready for something to take my mind off of it.

                “Megamind named me.  We’re bonded,” he replied with a soft look in his eyes.  _Bonded??_

                “B-Bonded?”  I asked, becoming more than curious about how the relationship worked between the alien and the fish.  “Like… married?”  I tried to keep the shock in my voice to a minimum. 

                “What?  No!  Bonded!  Symbiotic companionship not… mating, more like, friendship?” he replied, struggling to even finish the sentence. 

                “Oh, uh... okay,” I replied more confidently than I felt, turning away from the awkward conversation to watch Megamind snatch the pizza excitedly from a mortified teenager.  Seeing the spindly man grin with delighted satisfaction at the warm pizza in his hands made me feel a little pleased with what minion had said.  There really wouldn’t be any logical place for my company if the two were in a romantic relationship, but considering the lonely way they both lived, they could both definitely use some company. 


End file.
